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Well, haven been blogging lately… Nope, I’m not busy. Just that too many things have happen in the last few months. I’m just too tired to blog.

Anyway, I have just applied for my degree course in UniSIM. Now awaiting for the outcome of my application in Nov. Maybe I might, for once, get my best and unforgetable birthday present.

Actually been quite tired in my line of work recently. Workload seems to increase quite a bit. I wonder y or is it my enthusiasm have dwindle. Anyway, I kept looking back in the past ever quite often. I wondered have I make the right decision that lead me to this path or could I have a wrong decision somewhere along the path.

I really enjoy working among my colleagues while I was in OCS less the Head of Department. In times of need, there is always someone to turn to. Due to the conflict I had with my boss, I jump at the chance of an overseas attachment. However, it was a tough decision to make. I just attached with my GF for 2 months. I was undecided whether to take it up. It was my GF who help me made that decision and encourage me to go. I was very grateful that she show me the support. However, it was diffcult to mantain a long distance relationship. We broke off about 3 months later after I left Singapore. I was sad but then again, I got colleagues to help me overcome my grief. It helps when the traning tempo is high and it keeps me occupied.

Now that I’m back in Singapore, I feel all so lonely again. Not that I have not made a lot of friends in my new workplace. In fact I made quite a lot of good and close friends.

But the matter of fact, we are in different department. In my department, I’m the lowest life form although my rank is quite high when compare to the company. This is basically what I dun really like. When I need help, there is no one I can turn to. I cant expect people to help me with my work when they are not part of my department. I can only swallow it down and do but I do get help in lightening my load sometimes from my department colleagues. Its just that sometimes I cant stand it when ppl start asking for the impossible. (long story which I dunno how to put in words. I can only say ‘Problem Child, in which keep asking questions after questions on the same topic even after giving the answers.’) Treating me as some encyclopedia (which I dun mind since its part of my job) when the information have been safe kept and easily accessable over the company network. I really feel very tired in doing shit job for this kind of ppl when I’m already being bog down with my own responsibility. Even worse is when I have to come in and explain people’s work when they themselves have diffculty in explaining to people on what they write. Come on lar, I didnt write the paper for you and I have to assist you in explaining the paper you have written. Just because he is the head of the company and start asking questions, you struck dumbfolded and I have to help you answer the question he throw. For goodness sake, show some confidence in the paper you have written and not sit there dumbfolded and expect people to help you answer questions.

Anyway, I will be transferred out soon so I guess I can put up with it. Howver, it not my wish to transfer out of my company to another place under the same organisation. Y? If all goes well, I’m starting my studies next year. If I transferred to another place, I might not get the luxury of the work time I get here which might affect my studies. I’m not doing full-time studies but part-time. I would rather get an internal posting instead but there are no more vacancy left at the time being.

Anyway, at times I do feel a bit lonely. I do wish to get a GF but looks like fate have not arrive yet. I guess I still have to wait until the opportunity comes. Its late now, time to pen off. Till I write again…

Not a good sunday as I have hope for. Just couldnt put in any energy in anything that I do today. With the website and digest due in next week, I cant get any ideas in doing it. The weather hasnt been good either, raining on and off the whole of the afternoon. When it finally stop, I decided to go for a run.

As usual, I did my warming up before the run. As the weather is still cold, I did my warm up a bit longer as usual. Since today has not been the best of days for me, I decided to venture a bit further this time by running to Great World City.

It started off good run but as I was running towards Delta House, I started feeling a slight pain on my left knee cap. I decided to slow down a bit thinking that I must have push it a bit too hard. However the pain still lingers and very soon the pain became a bit unbearable. I stopped running and tried to work on my knee. I intially thought that my warmup must have been still a bit too short. So I tried to lossen up my knee a bit. After a while, I decided to start jogging again but at a very slow pace. Initially, it was ok so I maintain the pace. But before long, the pain came back again.

At this point of time, I wonder was it because of the slight injury I had last week while training with weights for my airborne course. I went for a short run last week with weights on my ankle to simulate weights that I’ll be having while running. The entire run was fine and I only experience a slight sore on my legs but it was common caused it shows that you are working on it. However, I started to experience slight pain on my left knee cap the next day while on a routine running exercise. I thought at that time, it was because I ran too hard after a tense training the day before. Now it seems I might have really injured it without knowing. It was no wonder that I have been experience slight pain on my left knee the whole week while running.

In the end, I half ran and half walk all the way back home. Done a cool down and work a bit on my left knee cap hoping to lossen it up a bit more. I wonder if I’m able to recover soon. AHM is just next week and early next month will be my selection test for my Airbone course. I hope all goes well and I’m keeping my fingers closed. Now I’m still experience a bit of pain on my left knee cap. Wonder if it will go away tomorrow…

Hope all will be alright by end of this week in time for my AHM else, I might have to skip it….

Haiz…

Happen to hear this song again…Bring back a lot of memories suddenly… The lyrics is so meaningful…

The link: http://www.imeem.com/jez/music/gYf5lhOR/chen_han_wei_cai_li_lian_guan_huai_fang_shi/

關懷方式
Guan Huai Fang Shi

Vocal: 陳漢瑋／蔡禮蓮

寂寞開在心事旁
ju mo kai zai xin shi pang
隨手種一些傷感
shui shou zhong yi xie shang gan
不讓星星來窺探
bu rang xing xing lai gui tan
找個沉默的夜晚

 

Way of Caring

 

 

I dunno whats wrong. Not picking up my calls. I thought something happen but told me that she was ok. However I feel something is wrong since she seems avoiding my call. I guess I’m just being too kaypo ba. I think I better give her some privacy and time on her own ba. However, I’m still worried. Hope that nothing bad happen to her. Hope that that all is fine and well for her…

Still I do hope that she tells me wad happen if she wans to say and if she wans to pick up my calls. However, I guess it might not happen. Maybe just find me too bothersome ba…

Well as the title says. Do you believe? I myself dunno either. Today marks the 49th day of his death anniversary. I had dreamt of my dad a few days ago.

There was this table and my dad and I was having lunch together. I cant remember excatly what the background was. I told a few glimpise of my Dad, he looks fine. I asked my Dad how is he but he never said anything. Then he turn around and ask why was I on leave that week. Thinking that he was referring to last week, I told him I needed a rest. However he said that it is not last week he was referring to but the week that he passed away. I was stun. The next thing I knew, I woke up.

I dunno what does that mean. Is my Dad trying to tell me that he is ok? Is he telling me not to worry about him. I really dunno. However, I felt much better after I dreamt about him. I felt more relax and comfortable, slowly finding my oldself back. Is this coincidence? I ‘m not too sure myself. I hope that my Dad is well and good where ever he maybe. Thanks Dad for what you have given me all these years.

http://www.emailcashpro.com/?r=doctspec

Its free so you can join to get some extra income…

It has been a difficult 2 weeks for me since I came back from South Africa. I’m not sure if I want to pen this down here. But then again, He is my dad. My Dad passed away peacefully on 10/06/08 at 2054hrs.

This came to me as an unexpected shock although I was already prepared for it. I didnt expect it to be so sudden. I decided to pen this down as the final journey of my Dad.

He was hospitalised on Vesak Day (20/05/08). No one inform me as I was in South Africa. Came to know only on the 26/05/08. Called up home and can only know that the doc say my dad’s liver and lung is failing.

28/05/08: Reach Singapore in the morning and went down to Alexander Hospital. Speak to the doctor about my dad’s condition. 1st shock: Doc told me that there is 2 growth. One in the liver and the other in his lungs. 2nd Shock: Suspected to be cancer but unknown which stage. Results was not out yet at that time. After seeing the doctor, I went to see my Dad. Talking to him and find out what happen. He was still in quite an energetic mood but was on drip.

Visited him at the hospital and kept him company.

03/06/08: Results was out. Confirmed Stage 4 Liver cancer. Expected life span is about 3 months. My dad is now on new medication. Speaking to the doc and the medical social worker on the care for my Dad. As no one is to take care of him at home, I ask if there is any nursing home or hospice that can take care of him. they gave me a few options and I ask them to help me find out and arrange for it while the cancer specialist, who will be coming down on Thursday, take a look at my dad to further access his condition. They will then decide if my dad need either chemotherapy or radiotherapy. I was sad and my mind was completely blank. I didnt ask if my dad is made known of his condition. Went to take a look and him and he was still in a good condition other than that he has started to feel weak.

05/06/08: Cancer specialist confirm Stage 4 Advance Live cancer. There wil be no chemotherapy or radiotheraphy as it is not going to help him. Expected life span is also 3 months. My dad was made know of his condition. I think he has already expected the worst but he was not made known of how many more months he has to live. The doctor now recommend for my Dad to be admitted to the hospice to be taken care of. There were four Choices and I decided on Dover Park Hospice at Tan Tock Seng.

08/06/08: He was still ok. Can talk and reply. Only no appetite.

09/06/08. 1st day back at work but couldnt concentrate much. Went to the hospital after work and my dad was in a bad shape. He was on oxygen mask. Speak to the nurse and she say me Dad is feeling breathless today. He was still able to speak and hear when I talk to him.

10/06/08: Took a half day leave in the afternoon and went visit him. He was feeling better and could still talk and hear without feeling too breathless. He was better that yesterday. Speak to the doctor and he told me that the application for him to be admitted to the hospice is still in the process as there is a long waiting list. However, give the condition of my dad, it should not take too long. I lift the hospital at about 4pm and told him I’ll be visiting hm again tomorrow. He said ok and said bye bye to me. I reply him back bye bye also.

The hospital called around 5pm and told me that there is a bed at the hospice reserved for my dad and ask me to come down tomorrow to do the paper work. I said ok.

At around 9pm, the hospital called and told me that my dad is seriously ill. I rushed down to the hospital immediately and was already calling my 2nd Uncle about it cos I already have a bad feeling. Upon reaching, the doctor told me my dad has passed on. My tear flowed at this moment. Went over to my Dad’s bed and called him but there was no response. I called my Mum and my 2nd uncle to inform them that my Dad has passed away.

My mum help me prepare for the funeral and everything and my 2nd Uncle helped.

15/06/08: The funeral of my Dad. Just cant really control my tears everytime I see my Dad. I sat at the van carrying my Dad’s coffin to Mandai. After the prayers, my tears started to drop. Then I proceed to the viewing hall for the burning of the coffin. While waiting, my tears has started to flow. When the machine started to bring my Dad’s coffin to burn, at this point, I cant control anymore. I just cried and cried. The worst was I didnt see my Dad’s coffin being sent into the furnace cos I cant bear to. My friends and relatives comforted me.

Well I guess, I wouldnt go into the details anymore. The rest is as per usual. I also cant write anymore as tears have started to flow again.

Was thinking since it has been quite a while since I have blog, might as well I leave something here. I’ll be flying of for an oveseas trip yet again. It have been quite a hetic months since begining of the year. Haven really have a gd break at all. Hope that this overseas trip will give me a gd break although I’ll involved in this exercise.

So where I’ll be going again now? The destination is South Africa. My 1st trip there. Dunno what I’ll expect there but one thing for sure, its going to be a winter season over there. Nope, I’ll not see snow if thats what you are expecting. Its going to be cold over there at this time of the year.

Hope that nothing will go wrong over there. Looking forward to this trip. I’ll be hoping for the best. Wish me have a safe trip and hope that I return in one piece and not get eaten by by the Lions and Leopards over there. Maybe they should be the one who will be worried cos I’ll be looking out for them for their skin. Haahaa… Who knows I might catch one and give it to Rod and Kelvin as present which they have been asking… if not I’ll just give them a skull head for souvinor…. keekee….

Ohh one more thing, Wish Dave and his wife a happy marriage. sorry I wouldnt be able to attend your wedding but I hope the very best and blissful marriage for the both of you. Congrats. =)

Bye bye everyone. I will ask you all out again when I’m back. So Rod, Kelvin, Alfred and Yung pls kindly get prepared the drinks and everything… See you all soon. =)

Been quite busy since the start of the year. Its one exercise after another. Not only that, work has been piling up…Cleared a lot of them the last 2 weeks but I’m already very tired. I can take my break now cos I still have another task at hand. Packing all the stores that is needed to be brought over to South Africa. Yes… I’m going for yet another overseas trip. After 5 Trips to Taiwan, 2 trips to Brunei, 1 to Thailand and 1 to Australia, I’m adding another one to my 7 1/2 years record in South Africa. Am I excited? I dunno…Am I happy? I dunno… Am I feeling lucky? Maybe… But wad do I wan to achieve at the end of the day? I dunno…

Sounds weird right… It is… It has been work, work and more work since I came back from Brunei. Y am I pushing myself to work so much? I dunno… Maybe its to forget all the unhappiniess that have been happening since last year after my SSAC course. Could also be the underlying pressure that I have been having since my SSAC course ended.

These few weeks have been worse. Unkowningly been drag into a rumour. It seems that I cant have any good friends to tok to now. Got real fed up today that I just walk off from the group without saying anything. But I just cant get angry for long. But deep in me, I still feel piss off. I admit that she is a very nice girl but that is not the way to put 2 person together. It only makes them more du lan even though they dun really mind. However, the more ppl tok the more du lan the person will be and it will come to a point that one will hit the point of no return like me today.

I really miss thoses days at OCS where we are so close together. However, One by one, they have left the force. Now only left me and my buddy and he is now in airforce. I seem to feel all alone. This is one of the worse tour I have encounter. I think my life sucks. Maybe I’m craving for a active tour. I dunno also…I feel so lost…

Dun think I wan to blog my personnel and private stuff here. Its just too confidential. I written quite a lot but then I deleted it everything away. Just wan to complain that it seems no one in the family understand how I feel now. They only care about 2 things. Money and Themselves.

Its so sad to be living in this kind of family. Guess I have to resign to my fate. Only my friends understand me, even more than my family…